


Whenever I Find Myself Too All Alone

by dr_ducktator



Category: Haven - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-15
Updated: 2012-12-15
Packaged: 2017-11-21 03:52:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/593134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dr_ducktator/pseuds/dr_ducktator
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pre-series. Duke and Nathan are in their senior year of high school. Nathan's the head of the decorating committee for the Christmas dance. Duke stops by. Title taken from Kenny Loggins' "Celebrate Me Home."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whenever I Find Myself Too All Alone

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wishtheworst](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wishtheworst/gifts).



The Christmas Dance was quickly approaching and Nathan had been put in charge of making sure Haven High’s gym looked festive enough for the occasion. Nathan had outwardly scoffed at the idea of being put in charge of the decorating committee, but deep down he was pretty excited about the chance. He may be a grumpy control freak, but he was also a visually creative, grumpy control freak.

He took this decorating stuff seriously, though. Nathan loved Christmas. He loved it absolutely. He felt like it was the one time of year people forgot about all their troubles, both real (even if in the past) and metaphorical, and treated one another like human beings. Despite roughly nine years having gone by since the incident, he was still the guy who couldn’t feel the tacks; Christmas seemed to be the only time people didn’t look at him with suspicion or confusion or fear. Plus, he loved Christmas music.

He’d had the rest of the decorating committee at work in the gym for hours after school; the sun had gone down long ago – in Haven, in the winter, the sun set around 4:30 – and his classmates were groaning, going on about how they were hungry, tired, sick of tinsel, blinded by too many twinkle lights, and how they hoped Nathan would fall off a ladder. Nathan ignored them; they were amateurs and were clearly not dedicated to the craft.

He promised them this would be the last thing they had to do before the gym was ready for the dance the next evening, and he walked over to the small boom box he’d set up in the gym to flip the tape over. He pressed play, and Sinatra’s rendition of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” tried to fill the large expanse of the room.

He closed his eyes and smiled. This song always reminded him of his mother. She had loved Christmas, too, and they’d listen to Frank Sinatra’s and Johnny Mathis’ Christmas records when they’d decorate the tree and make Christmas cookies. He felt the familiar ache in his chest as the bittersweet memories washed over him while he stood and listened. The rest of the room disappeared as he stood there. Since his mom died Christmas was different; he felt out of place. The Chief didn’t like to celebrate it much anymore.

The song ended, and Dean Martin came on. “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” was a creepy song, but Nathan couldn’t help but love it. He swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat, blinked the welling tears away, and returned to his job as overseer of all things Christmas.

He had taken a step back to survey his masterpiece of holiday cheer when he heard an ever-so-slightly off-key voice singing along with Dean. He didn’t have to turn around to know who had just entered the gym.

“Hey, Duke,” he said, still facing away.

“No cabs to be had out there!” Duke sang merrily. “Nice tunes, Nathan. And,” he whistled appreciatively, “Nice décor. You’ve outdone yourself this year!”

Nathan finally turned to see Duke standing there with a stupid Santa hat on his head and a goofy look of wonder on his face.

“This is the first year I’ve done this,” Nathan responded, moderately annoyed.

Duke’s attention snapped back to Nathan. Nathan could see the gears in Duke’s head turning. He knew he was searching for a quick save. “I know,” Duke said. “I just mean that knowing you, you’ve been itching to be in charge of this thing since freshman year. And, knowing you, you’ve mapped this whole thing out in your head about twelve different times. So,” Duke held up a finger and gestured to the room in all of its decorated glory, “this must be the culmination of all of those plans.” He smiled at Nathan and opened his hands like he was presenting him with something. “Therefore, you’ve outdone yourself.”

Duke walked over to where Amy and Jonathan were precariously perched on their respective ladders, trying to hang the lights just-so. Nathan watched him walk, a familiar burn building in his gut. He couldn’t help but love the way Duke walked. It wasn’t a walk, really; it was a saunter, or something, full of all the confidence and the carefree attitude Nathan didn’t have.

He let himself sink back into the music. There was something about “Celebrate Me Home” that made him wistful. He folded his arms across his middle and watched Duke. He’d spent a lot of his life watching Duke; how could he not? Duke had always been boisterous, happy, charming, and beautiful; he was everything Nathan felt like he wasn’t. He was Nathan’s polar opposite, and he’d been drawn to him for years, despite the constant antagonism they heaped on one another. Well, the constant antagonism they _used_ to heap on one another. Over the last couple of months their relationship had morphed into something new, indescribable.

He was lost in the music when he saw Duke say something to Amy and Jonathan. They climbed down from the ladder, and they and the rest of the committee grabbed their book bags and left the gym. It was just Duke, Nathan, the twinkle lights, and Christmas music left in the room. Something inside Nathan thrilled at that.

Duke turned and headed back to where Nathan was standing, a look of purpose on his face. Nathan felt detached from himself; his collar felt too tight, his jeans too snug, the look on Duke’s face too intimate. But none of it was unwelcome. He always felt this way when Duke turned his full attention on him. It was a heady feeling, one to which he’d become addicted pretty damn quickly.

Duke stopped a few feet from Nathan and asked, “D’you still have the keys?”

Nathan patted the front right pocket of his jeans and smiled. Nathan was probably the most trusted student at Haven High. The administration and custodians had no problem handing over the keys to various rooms in the school whenever he asked. “Yeah. They know they can always trust the Chief’s kid. Pretty much everyone’s gone home.”

Duke smiled fondly, though Nathan would swear he saw a different kind of look chase across his features before the smile reached his lips. Either way, when he looked back at Nathan his eyes seemed darker, hungrier. Still, neither of them moved. They just stood there staring at one another while “Last Christmas” wound down.

“Well, I guess it’s as good as it’s going to get,” Nathan said as he looked at the gym. He was pleased with the outcome. He turned back to the boom box. He wasn’t sure what Duke was doing there; the attraction between them was obvious, but they’d barely acted on it, and Nathan wasn’t one for awkward silences. “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” had just come on, and he was about to push the stop button when he heard Duke say, “Nathan, wait.”

He turned around to find Duke standing in the same place he was before. “Yeah?” Nathan asked, and swallowed hard.

“C’mere.” Duke held out his hand.

Without the slightest hesitation Nathan walked over and took the outstretched hand. He felt like he was on auto-pilot, like taking Duke’s hand was the most natural thing in the world. Duke’s hand was warm, long fingers wrapped around his own, thumb brushed across his pulse. “Yeah?” Nathan asked in a quiet, choked voice.

He saw a faint blush coloring Duke’s cheek. God, Duke looked amazing in the Christmas twinkle lights. “Will you dance with me,” the hand that wasn’t holding Nathan’s moved to rest on his hip. “Nathan?”

Normally Nathan would laugh off the request with a “Yeah, right, Duke,” and walk away, but this was different. Maybe it was the twinkle lights, maybe it was the music, or maybe it was the look on Duke’s face, a look so open and so filled with hope that made Nathan move into Duke’s arms. Later that night, when he was lying in bed, Nathan knew it was all of those things. But there in the gym, there in that moment, he didn’t try to figure it out; he just let Johnny Mathis’ voice wash over him as he breathed Duke in, his usual scent of sandalwood and sea air, and together they moved in a small, slow circle.

Eventually they stopped moving, opting instead to just stand there holding on to one another. The song was ending, and the thought of this moment ending as well killed Nathan a little.

“Hey,” Duke said softly. “Nathan. Look at me.”

Nathan hadn’t realized his eyes had been closed the whole time. He opened them and looked at Duke. Their hands were still entwined and Duke drew in a quick breath. “Can I kiss you, Nathan?”

Nathan didn’t reply, he simply slid his hand to the back of Duke’s neck and brought their lips together in the gentlest of kisses.

The song ended, Johnny Mathis’ voice disappearing. It was the end of the tape, and silence filled the room. The kiss ended, too. But it was all different now, somehow. The world had tilted a little, things were slotting into place even if Nathan didn’t know what those things were yet.

Nathan kept his hand on the back of Duke’s neck. It felt good there, like it fit, like that spot was made just for him.

Duke smiled, looked down at the floor, and then back up at Nathan. “Merry Christmas, Nathan.”

“Merry Christmas, Duke.”

All of this, whatever it was, had been a long time coming, and for the first time in a very long time, Nathan felt like everything was okay, like everything was warm and safe, like he belonged to something, in something. Like he was home for Christmas.


End file.
